I went to my dentist today for my cleaning. The same thing always happens. The dental assistant greets me. She’s always wearing a medical mask and makes extraneous sounds under it - little sighs, grunts and murmurs. She’s a little off.

She asks me if I brush my teeth daily. I’m 35 years old. Is this question really still neccessary? Not only do I brush my teeth daily, I brush them multiple times daily as well as floss and other things. I had a root canal a few years ago and I’ll never forget the moment that I felt it, the novacaine was not strong enough. I raised my hand to alert my dentist to the fact that I was in searing pain and she smacked my hand down. I never want to have a root canal again. And so every day I clean the shit out of my mouth.

The dental assistant can never get the floss around this one tooth I have - because that tooth is crooked and very close to it’s next door tooth neighbor. She grunts and sighs, “I think you have tartar build up there from too much candy. Too much candy. I can’t get the floss through.”

There is no “too much candy.” I gave up candy. And when I did eat it - I might have had a piece now and then. I never kept any at home. I tried to explain to her that just like last time, she is having trouble navigating around my tooth. But I’m trying to explain that with a suction hose hanging off my lower lip.

She stops and looks at me. She asks, “Do you really floss?” Can’t people in the dental field find less damning ways to ask questions? I said, “Yes, twice a day.” She said, “Hmm. Something’s not right.” SHE is not right. She’s grunting under a mask.

Then the dentist comes in. He says to me, “Are you in college?” I’m 35 years old. I already feel five years old when I’m in a dentist chair but my womanhood really feels insulted when I’m mistaken for someone who is between the ages of 18-21.  I say, “No. I’m working.” He says, “Well why wait to get into the workforce? That’s good.” I say, “No. I went to college, 14 years ago. And now I’m working, as I have been for 14 years.”

We had this conversation already, a few months ago, when I came in to get a procedure done. Back then he asked me how exams were going.

So then he says, “Where do you work?” I say, “The E! Network.” He says, “Never heard of it.” Oh, yes you have. Every person I meet in L.A. says, “I don’t watch TV. I don’t know what that is.” And then I always say, “Do you watch those E True Hollywood Stories?” “Oh yes, I love those.” Well, that would be E!

He says to me, “What do you do at E!?” I say, “I write for a late night comedy show.” He says, “Wow. So you’re a big shot.” I hate talk like that. No, I’m not a bigshot. Nobody in show business is a big shot unless you are the top 1%. He says, “Well, I’ve never met a comedy writer.” And he shakes my hand.

The thing is that he has met a comedy writer - a few months ago when we had this same exact conversation and handshake. I know he’s busy and I’m not offended that he doesn’t remember this conversation. That’s not the point. The point is just that it seems to boring and pointless. We’re just going to have this conversation again in March. I want to say, “Hey, we had this exact conversation.” But that’s sort of rude.

He says, “So how do you do it? That takes such talent.” Okay, that was nice. Usually people say something like, “Tell me a joke.” So I was careful not to tell him I’m also a stand-up. I’d rather get another root canal then do that. I explain to him what a writer’s room is like and he says, “Wow. So what other shows do you write?” I explain to him that I write on one show because it’s a 40+ hour a week job and most people don’t write on two late-night shows at once - it’s not really…possible. It’s like if I thought he was also practicing dentistry in the next office at the same time. It’s not a reflection of my talent - it’s just not possible in the time/space continuum. So he says to me, “Well, you’ve got the talent and drive…” (how does he know?) …”And you will be writing on more shows. I know it.” Uh, thanks. I hope I’m not. 40 hours a week is enough for me. Besides I’ve never had an out of body experience and worked in two buildings and for two shows at once. It seems exhausting.

Jen Kirkman will be on the roundtable on Chelsea Lately on Thursday 7/23 at 11pm et/pt - with Josh Wolf and Ross Matthews!

I am not a conspiracy theorist. But I’m open to any and all ideas and in most situations such as…is there a God? Are there aliens? Who shot JFK? Did Marilyn commit suicide or OD? Are whales some kind of kindred soul to humans? I tend to just let myself agree to disagree with myself. I’m never going to know so I just let my mind play with stuff.

I had always heard somewhere in the ether that many people believed the 1969 walk on the moon was a hoax. I have no proof that it was or wasn’t. One thing I did do was wait on Buzz Aldrin and his wife when I was a waitress at a fancy golf club in Los Angeles. She had a round purse that had a huge full moon (made of diamonds) on it. I took that as proof. We had landed. One small step for man, one jeweled purse for a very lucky lady.

But I suppose I put nothing past our government. It’s possible that in the ramp up to the Cold War - when moral was starting to break down in America over the civil unrest of the 1960’s that our government wanted us to be #1 again - and we didn’t want the Russians to beat us. They orbited the moon - we’ll walk on it! (Or at least build a convincing sound stage in the desert and broadcast that.)

It doesn’t sound insane, right? I didn’t give it much more thought. I figured, we probably landed but I’d not be the least bit surprised if we didn’t.

I’ve sorted through the various stuff on the internet that shows me shadows or lack of shadows in the moon landing pictures…eh, I can’t even tell what I’m supposed to be looking at.

The other night I went to see a speech at the Griffith Observatory in Los Feliz. (love that place, Rebel Without a Cause was filmed there, as well as a pivotal episode of 90210 when Dylan took Kelly there on a date.) The presentation was called, “The Moon Landings: Hoax or No Hoax?” The Observatory’s own astrological lecturer conducted it. I thought it might be a lively debate or presentation of both sides - and like many Sci Fi Network specials on UFO’s we’d leave the theatre still confused and unable to decide.

I didn’t realize that people who don’t think we landed on the moon are a marginal part of our society and mostly seen as lunatics and not thoughtful people who are simply asking, “What if…?” The speech was 100% “Of course we landed on the moon you idiots - we can’t fake this footage of zero gravity, there are hundreds of photos of so many landscapes, etc.”

Oh. I never saw all of the footage that was shown to me.

And one guy during the Q&A who had previously identified himself as a non-believer asked, “Do you have any inside information about cloning? In effect if we clone a sperm and egg can we send those cells into space and start populating in outer space?” This was out of the local lecturer’s area of expertise and also out of any realm of possibility or logic. He very politely said, “I don’t know…uh, that’s something that is yet to be seen but I don’t think cells can just grow and develop into human beings on their own…in…space. Next question?”